10 Things I Hate About You

Yesterday work was very busy, but very exasperating. Trust me, I love the money and most of my clients are fab, but here's a quick list of things about a client that make me eager to get home and shower in scalding hot water. No random order.

1. Your breath reeks. I don't care if you just smoked a cigarette or had a cup of coffee. I'm talking about the repugnant kind that is rooted in a lifetime of non-flossing and bad health. These are usually the types of me who want to... (see next item)

2. You try to lick me. Unexpectedly you sit up and attempt to lick anything you can with you foul, sloppy white tongue. You protest, " I wanna turn you on!" This is why you also complain that you can't meet anyone.

3. You complain about your wife. Listen sweetie. I see your wedding ring and you don't have to feel guilty or explain your self to me. I don't care. I'm probably thinking about pizza.

4. You ask what I REALLY do or what I aspire to be. It seems like a friendly question, but every single man asks me this in an attempt to get to "know me". It's not your business and I feel it's patronizing. Do you ask your garbage man what he really wants to be? ps: I usually just give you a vague lie anyway.

5. You have a small piece of toilet paper stuck in your ass. I won't want to get very close to you and I'll be dreadfully fixated on it the entire session. Check yo'self!

6. You want to give me a massage. Gosh, no one's offered that before! Keep your stealthy probing fingers to yourself. Now get your chubby ass back on the table.

7. You play 20 questions in order to guess my age. "So when did you graduate college?" "Do you remember that TV show?" "You probably weren't born when that song came out, right?" So, what year did you move here?"

8. You don't cut your toenails. You're wearing a thousand dollar Italian suit, but your feet look like this. No foot massage for you mister.

9. You go on and on about wishing you could meet a girl like me. You realize your paying me, right?

10. You want so much more and don't even offer to pay for it. You know I don't offer extras - especially since I said "no" when you asked me eight times. Do you beg the waiter for dessert after a meal? If I were the type gave extras, you will have to offer money for the honey.

Let's get this party started! FAQ

Okay - the title of this blog and post is a little tongue in cheek. The first thing you need to know about me is my work life may be different from yours, but it really isn't that much of an "adventure". I started this blog so that I can vent since my friends and family don't know what I do. I'm going to give myself a little interview for your pleasure.

What exactly do you do?
There are so many names for what I do: tantra bodyrub, alternative relaxation therapy,rub & tug, sensual bodyrub/bodywork, happy ending... A misused title would be anything that includes the work "massage" since I do not have a license to practice in NY. One could get in arrested for practicing massage without one. I do, however give authentic deep tissue bodyrub in the nude and "relieve" my client at the end of the session. Most of of the session focuses on the rest of the body: scalp, back, feet, fingers, everything! I work for myself as an outcall service at upscale residences and hotels.

What don't you do?
I don't do what those in the sex industry call full-service or extras. This means sex of any kind, even oral! I like to do my work hands on only.

Why do guys want that? Why don't they just hire a hooker?
There are various reasons why men prefer bodyrub over escorts. Here are a few: totally safe from STDs, you don't have to do anything but lay there, the good-looking bodyrub girls are cheaper than the good looking escorts, you get a spa experience with candles/music/muscle rub (yes, men like that!), many men don't consider it cheating, etc.

How did you start?
When I graduated college I was struggling to stay on top of bills and ridiculous NY rent. I wasn't able to enjoy the city and I almost felt like moving to a more boring, but cheaper city. One day while looking at Craigslist for office jobs, I came across an ad for an S&M dungeon for $100 and hour. I joked to my then fiance that I would apply. He said, "why not? I had an ex girlfriend who did it and loved whipping men for money." I was surprised he didn't mind, so I got an interview and was hired the next day. It wasn't what I expected. It was mostly sensual roleplay (teacher/mommy/schoolgirl) and I was required to "help them" by hand at the end. I later discovered this isn't normal for a dungeon and I felt I was exerting a lot of psychological energy doing sometimes disgusting work for less money than a bodyrub parlor. I quit the dungeon and started working for a small parlor out of a high rise apartment. It was a perfect fit - the men were upper class, normal, and mostly good looking Wall St types. The environment was relaxing and I made far more money than the in the kink biz. Although I look back at the S&M work with repulsion, I certainly learned the art of keeping my clients obedient!

So... your husband knows what you do?
Yep! It's not something we really talk about in detail. We've been together over 5 years and have a very healthy monogamous relationship. I actually don't think I could do it without him. Because I'm married, I have no desire to slip into full-service work and I also feel safer being aware that he knows where I am just in case my client ends up being psycho. And yes, we keep our money separate. He has his own career.

Is it dangerous?
I've only come across annoying men. :) On top of my husband knowing where I am (I call him before & after a session) I have a pretty good screening process. I know there are risks, but I face more risks when I ride my bike in traffic.

Do you like it?
My only regret is I didn't start sooner! I love being able to make my own hours and pay for everything I need. I'm not in this for the long-run, so I'm saving to start my own home business and start a family (boring, right?).

I have more questions.
Go ahead and ask! :-D